This week, we talked about divorce and stepfamilies.  I think it is interesting to note the ways that different people handle divorces.  I have heard lots of stories about divorces.  Some people who get divorced are so angry; they just want to make the other person from the marriage hurt.  It seems like a divorce can easily become a pride issue.  On the other hand, there are some divorces in which people treat each other respectfully.  I know a family in which the parents got divorced and the dad remarried, but the biological mom still lives close to her kids and ex-husband.  In fact, they still treat each other well.  I think it is important to live the golden rule.  Things work out better and there is less anger.  I really liked a quote from our reading.  Lauer and Lauer (2012) in their book, Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, the eighth edition reads, "Many marriages end that could have turned out to be satisfying.  According to Waite and Gallagher (2000), the majority of couples who are unhappy can work through their problems and have a happy union within five years" (p. 310).  I like this quote because it shows with effort, marriages can work out.  My parents are a great example.  They have put a lot of effort in their marriage; they go on anniversary trips together and spend special time with one another once a week.

This past week we talked about parenting.  I went home for the Fourth of July and mentioned that we were learning about this topic in class.  My mom responded to my comments by saying that my parents have done the best they can.  Looking back on that conversation reminds me that we can't expect any parents to be perfect.  I attended an NBC basketball camp one year and the founder, Fred Crowell, told us of his rough family life growing up.  He said that the important thing as parents is to be better than your parents were.  He also told us that if we had good parents, our jobs would be harder because we were blessed with amazing parents and had to step up even higher.  I will have a hard job because I was blessed with wonderful parents.  Another thing I think is important to note about parenting is that parents don't have to parent alone.  If they are living their lives correctly, they can receive inspiration from heaven on how to take care of their families and children.  I know that my mom seems to get inspiration when she needs it, such as when it is important to take one of my siblings or I to the doctor or when she should just wait. 

In a pamphlet called "One for the Money: Guide to Family Finance" by Elder Marvin J. Ashton, he advises, "Use a budget" (p. 6).  My husband and I have almost been married for 3 months.  Over Memorial Day weekend, we went home and asked my parents to help us create a budget.  Now I am realizing how hard it is to stick to the budget.  Little things happen that are expensive, such as the printer needing a new cartridge, which we hadn't planned for.  Plus, sometimes groceries seem to add up faster than you would think.  All in all, this first month with a budget has been somewhat difficult.  I have done better at staying within the food budget.  But, to prevent us from going over budget next month, we are going to try to just spend cash; as my parents always said, "when it runs out, it runs out."  Hopefully this strategy will work better for us.  My parents said they tried it when they were first married, and I think my mom still tries to stick to the cash principle somewhat today.

This week we have talked about communication in two of my classes.  The discussions have caused me to reflect on my communication methods, especially things that I need to change to be a better communicator.  The major thing I need to improve is my listening.  I am constantly running around, and I often find myself walking away from my husband while he is talking to me so that I can multitask - listen to him and complete a different task at the same time.  It never seems to bother him, but I do remember that it bothered my dad in our conversations.  It is a bad habit that I have gotten into and need to change.  Another thing I realized is that sometimes when I communicate, I avoid telling people my true feelings, hoping that they will read my body language to know what I am really saying or hoping that they won't read my body language, but just trust my words.  It isn't fair for me to expect this kind of behavior and understanding from others.  I need to be more honest vocally about how I am feeling.  I also worry about hurting people's feelings or worry about what others will think of me and so avoid some topics of discussion completely, even with significant people in my life.  But, I realized this pattern and last night brought up an important topic of discussion with my husband.  We didn't get the whole thing figured out, but at least we started discussing the topic. (Most of these ideas were discussed in class today.)

Today, we talked about what can happen when a family experiences stress.  Lauer and Lauer, in Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, the 8th edition, published in 2012, write, "In fact, it is possible to turn the crisis into something that yields long-term, positive consequences...Reframing, or redefining the meaning of something, is a way of changing your perspective on a situation.  It isn't the situation that is changed but the way you look at it...You can see a crisis as an intruder that has robbed you of a measure of peace and happiness, or you can define the crisis as an obstacle that will ultimately lead to your growth as you overcome it..." (pp. 299; 304).  I want to use the concept of reframing for a couple of events that happened in my life.  I played basketball in high school, but it was a constant struggle.  I had multiple teammates that picked on me, which greatly decreased my self-esteem and confidence.  Looking back on those experiences and through conversations that I have had with my parents, I now see that I wouldn't be who I am today without that difficulty.  I feel for the underdog or for those who get left out.  In addition, I am very against bullying and will work hard to prevent it from occuring in my future classroom.  In addition, I also hurt my back while playing basketball.  I suffered from pain for a long time, but no one could figure out what was wrong with me.  This experience greatly increased my testimony of my Heavenly Father and Savior.  They know us and love us.  There were several times when I knew I wasn't alone.  Also, I was able to get through two semesters of college and a summer of work while suffering from mono.  Again, the experience gave me the opportunity to see the Lord's hand in my life, and also to feel more compassionate towards others who are suffering as well.  In addition, these experienes taught me a valuable lesson; I can do hard things!

Yesterday in class we talked about appropriate times to talk to children about their private parts and eventually the birds and the bees.  I have a couple of different ideas about when and how to talk to children.  First, I think parents need to be aware that each child is different.  Some children will need to have "the talk" before other children do.  For example, I avoided having the talk with my parents and chose to black out most of the things we learned in school about the topic until a couple of months before I got married.  I didn’t want to know about the topic.  My younger sister, on the other hand, goes to school and learns a lot from her classmates; she needs to have at least some things explained to her earlier than I did.  Second, parents need to treat the topic with respect.  It shouldn't be something that parents joke about.  In class, we also talked about the importance of parents being open about the topic.  Even though I am uncomfortable speaking about the topic, I would rather my children get correct information from me; as a result, as a peer mentioned, I need to show them that I am willing to provide them correct information when appropriate.  

On Thursday in class we talked about different strategies husbands and wives can use to make sure their marriage stays strong when a child enters their lives.  I really liked Brother Williams' advice to only have your spouse in the delivery room while you are having the baby.  I am going to take this advice; I talked to my husband about it, and he seemed surprised, but honored that I didn't want to have my mom in there too.  (My mom and I are really close.)  I also liked the optimism in our discussion; children can strengthen a marriage (Brother Williams and "Avoiding the Baby Blues").  Their coming to the earth doesn't need to make the marriage more difficult.  From our class discussion and the powerpoint we watched prior to class, it seems as though the more prepared we are for a child to enter our lives, the less problematic the situation will be (Brother Williams and "Avoiding the Baby Blues").  In Doctrine and Covenants, there is a scripture that points out this principle.  In chapter 38, verse 30, it reads, "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear."
(Information from Brother Williams, the PowerPoint presentation "Avoiding the Baby Blues," and Doctrine and Covenants 38:30)

Today in class we talked about the different reasons why people are attracted to each other and it made me think about the things that attracted me to my husband.  First, he would actually play basketball with me; I had wanted to play with someone for a while, and he actually played with me.  Second, we liked some of the same music.  Another thing that really stood out to me was the fact that he talked to his Mom almost everyday because he loved her.  He is an only child, and I was worried about how he would interact with children; I really want to be a mom and want a good dad  for my kids.  He came to my house to visit and got along really well with my little sisters.  Another thing that attracted me to him was his calm personality and his willingness to be there when people need him.  I'm sure there are many more things that I was attracted to; these were just some of the main characteristics.  And, since we've been married I've discovered even more wonderful attributes that I love and appreciate!

In our textbook, Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Robert and Jeanette Lauer, there is a quote that reads, "Two researchers found considerable gender stereotyping in their study of the characters in coloring books (Fitzpatrick and McPherson 2010).  Compared to the females, the males were more active, and were mainly depicted as animals, adults, or superheroes.  In contrast, the females were more likely to be shown as children or humans" (pp. 69-70).  People today can get really upset over issues like the ones the Lauer's mention.  I have never gotten too angry over these types of topics.  I strongly believe that men and women are different and that because of their differences, they have different roles and different strengths.  In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it talks about the different things that men and women should do.  It reads, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  But, despite our differences, we still need to help each other because two different people can do a task better than one person if the two work together and try to get along.

Today in class, we discussed how family systems change when major life events occur.  This discussion made me think about my family and when and how roles have changed.  Roles changed when my mom had a surgery on her wrist.  I remember having to step up and take on some of the responsibilities that had always been my mom’s.  It was hard on me and my sisters emotionally.  We were all glad when my mom got feeling better and life went back to normal.  Then, life and family roles changed again when I left to go to college.  Before I left to go to school, I was the babysitter almost every Friday night while my parents went out on a date.  When I went to school, my other siblings had to step up and fill in this roll.  They also had to do chores that I used to complete.  I remember coming home when the semester was over and my sisters being so angry because I was living at home again, but didn’t have chores listed on the chore chart.  Now, I am married and will play even less of a role in my family back home.  But, despite the changes, I will work hard to stay close to them because I love them!

Today in class, we talked about different family theories, including conflict theory, social interaction theory, exchange theory, and systems theory.  We went into more detail in systems theory.  I want to apply some of the concepts of this theory to my own family.  First, my parents are a subset and my four younger siblings and I are a subset.  (Sometimes, all of us girls gang up on Dad and become a subset, while he is left on his own.  This isn't healthy.)  Next, our family has multiple different rules.  Some include the fact that all children will learn to play the piano and will continue to take lessons until they graduate from high school.  Another rule is that children work hard in school; bad grades are not acceptable.  Also, the whole family is expected to attend church together on Sunday. (There are many other family rules, these are just some examples.)  We also talked about the different roles family members play.  My mom is the family server.  (Don't take that the wrong way.)  She is constantly serving everyone in the family and trying to make everyone happy.  My dad is the family clown as well as the provider.  I am the oldest child, and had the role of being responsible and watching out for my younger siblings. (I don't live at home now.)  My next youngest sibling is a quiet child who stays out of trouble and wants to make those around her happy with her efforts.  My next youngest sibling is the "chiller."  She is calm and collected and is often trying to get people to relax when things get a bit heated in the family.  My next youngest sibling is the family "Energizer Bunny."  She likes to be active and enjoys telling jokes and making the family laugh.  My youngest sibling's role includes being sweet and creative.  She is constantly writing special notes to other family members or creating little art projects.  I love my family!  I wouldn't change my parents or siblings for anything.

In class yesterday, we talked about several trends.  Lauer and Lauer, in the Eighth Edition of Marriage &Family: The Quest for Intimacy write, "In 1987, for the first time, more than half of the new mothers (those with children under the age of 1) stayed in the labor force" (p. 13).  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and believe that it is important for moms to stay home and raise their children.  As a result, I chose a career that would allow me to have children; I am working towards my degree in elementary education.  I plan to stay home with my children when they are young, and to use the knowledge learned about children in classes at school to help me with my kids at home.  Then, when my kids are in school, I can teach, but will be done with school when they are done with school.  My mom stayed at home to raise my four little sisters and I, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.  I hope that this trend doesn't stay for long. 

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